The Forgotten Soldier
by RaritajiGolden
Summary: (Ch.4 uploaded!) After the war, Heero Yuy's life was shattered. He had nothing to fall back on except for his memories. He remembered everyone he had killed, and they haunted him. Can the Perfect Soldier be helped, or will this be the end of a legend?
1. Darkness

The war was over. That was it. Was he useless now, just a piece of machinery? Just a cold, ruthless memory in the hearts of both allies and enemies? Was he even alive?  
Heero Yuy stared at himself in the mirror, the dark locks of his shaggy dark brown hair falling around his face, unkempt as usual. His cobalt eyes were narrowed and fierce, but there was a lonely tinge in them, a dying spark like a flicking candle. He reached out and placed the pads of his fingers on the smooth glass, running them across his face in the reflection. He felt alienated from everything, cut out from the rest of the world. He felt like he didn't have a place anymore, didn't belong anymore.  
It had been four days, and he hadn't had any visitors. Then again, he doubted any of the gundam pilots knew that he was in a safe house, locked within like a forgotten prisoner. Duo Maxwell had been cheerful enough, as had the others, and they had all invited him to a celebration at some new pizza and pasta place. Of course he had refused, he had wanted to be alone after the war. He guessed the others thought he needed some space, and so they had just left him alone.  
Heero grit his teeth, a flare of anger leaping into his eyes. He jabbed his fist into the mirror, and it shattered. A bloody piece dropped into the sink, and when he removed his hand, more fell, clinking against the porcelain and metal. He observed the jagged lines, the cracks in the mirror, saw how distorted it made his face. Perhaps that is how others saw him. Some killer who lacked in emotion, just a boy without a heart. No one ever bothered to look deeper. They never attempted to dig into his heart so they could find what lay beneath his steely exterior. No one ever really asked him how he felt, or if he liked certain things. They only commanded him, only ordered him around and gave him instructions. In fact he missed it all, but that was because it was all he had known, all he could remember. His own name was lost to him.  
Closing his eyes, Heero remembered all the missions he had been on, remembered all the people he had killed. All those lives lost, and no one knew he cared, no one thought about it. All they saw was the Perfect Soldier, doing what he had been trained to do, and nothing more. To them, he tried so hard because he needed to, because he felt nothing else but the need to obey, and to follow orders. To do as he had been trained to do. Despite all the efforts to destroy every piece, every molecule of emotion from him, Dr. J had not succeeded. He still felt, still observed his emotions, just like everyone else.  
"I knew they wouldn't come," Heero said quietly, before turning away from the mirror.  
He left the bathroom and went into the kitchen. He opened up the fridge, and took out a bottle of water. It was the only thing in the fridge. Opening the water, he kicked the fridge door shut and took a few sips to sooth his dry throat. He licks his lips with his moist tongue, then slipped away and went into his room. He shut the door behind him, the water held in a crushing grip. Some spilled over the top and hit his hand. He didn't really care.  
After taking another sip of water, he went to his bed and set the bottle down. Then he lifted his laptop onto his lap and turned it on, only waiting a moment before entering a password. It let him in, and he checked his email. His eyes narrowed when he saw that there was one, and, curious, he clicked on it and began to read.  
  
Dear Heero Yuy,  
  
Hey, we miss you, man. If you were expecting visitors, then we're sorry, but we've started checking out all the safe houses we used to hang out at, you know? We're all sorry you couldn't come to dinner with us that night.or wouldn't, whichever. If you're at one of the safe houses that hasn't been destroyed, we'll find you. Only a few of those left, heh. Anyway, I'm just rambling here like I always do. Guess old habits die hard, don't they? You know what I'm talking about. You can feel it too, the loneliness, the realization that you aren't needed anymore. The knowledge that you may never be needed again. Heero, we all feel like that, but don't hide from us anymore, we're your friends. We're all a family, all right? We all care about you, even if you don't care about us. Sure we can be annoying, but that doesn't mean anything. You helped us out a lot, even outside the war. Without you, none of us would have survived, I mean that. Just don't push us away when we find you, please.  
  
Duo Maxwell and pals  
  
Heero felt his eyes string with tears, and he quickly wiped them away with the back of his hand. He slammed the laptop down on the floor, then got to his feet and headed for the door. There was rage on his face. So they had been searching for him this entire time? Why hadn't they emailed him sooner, they should have known him by now. Why hadn't they searched the safe houses earlier, they knew where they all were, and there weren't a lot of them.  
His chest tightened when he heard a knock on the door, and soft voices murmuring on the other side. They sounded excited. Blinking, he moved to the door, then slipped his gun, which he had on him at all times, out and made sure it was ready to be fired. Nodding to himself, he opened the door and stepped back, lifting the gun, finger against the extra sensitive trigger. 


	2. Realizations

When Heero saw Duo's face, a small spark, a dull flicker of hope, shone in his Prussian blue eyes. After that is became anger, the fury taking only seconds to manifest within his intense orbs.  
"Hey, buddy," Duo said gently.  
Duo tried to step inside, but Heero efficiently blocked his way.  
"Where have you been?" Heero snapped, the hurt in his voice making Duo cringe.  
"Well, after the war, we all thought you might need some down time, you know? And you refused dinner, so."  
"So you just decided to leave me alone like everyone else?"  
Heero slammed the door in the American's face, his cheeks burning; his eyes gleamed with moisture, but the tears never fell.  
"Heero?" Duo's voice sounded from the other side of the door.  
"Leave me alone."  
Heero locked the door, then turned and stalked down the hall. He went into the kitchen and opened the top drawer beneath the sink, picking out a long, serrated knife. He ran his thumb across the edge of the blade, feeling its sharpness. Satisfied, he turned and headed for the bathroom.  
Duo's insistent door pounding was easily ignored as Heero stepped into the washroom. He shut the door behind him and locked it, then slipped over to the bathtub.  
He stared at the tub for a matter of minutes, carefully contemplating his actions. Death could never be painless, and the mess he would leave with his gun would not do. He would rather have time to think about his decision, have at least a few moments to truly understand exactly what he was getting himself into.  
He didn't truly want to kill himself, but as the Perfect Soldier, he felt that he had to. He felt that it was his duty.  
"Mission accepted," he said in a soft whisper.  
Turning the water on hot, Heero kept his hand under the streaming heat, feeling it burn. He shut his eyes and stripped down, folding his clothes neatly and placing them on the toilet seat. He brushed a hand through his shaggy dark hair, then stepped into the tub.  
The sizzling heat was like a pit of molten metal. It burned against his skin, making him choke out a breath of air. When he drew a breath in, it was like inhaling pure fire. A long shudder coursed through his flesh, but he bared the pain despite his near inability to breath.  
Was this enough punishment for his past? Did it make up for the lives he had taken during the war? No. Nothing would ever make up for that.  
Heero glanced over and lifted the knife from the edge of the tub. With his other hand he turned off the water, and everything became silent except for his breathing. Duo had long since stopped pounding on the door.  
So he would not change his mind, he placed the blade against the inside of his left wrist and drew it across, hard enough for it to slice apart his skin, cutting through flesh and veins.  
  
"Look, I know something's up with Heero," Duo said stubbornly.  
Wufei sighed and rolled his eyes before launching a kick at the door of the safe house. It flew open with the force of the kick, and smashed with a bang against the wall.  
Duo winced slightly, then trotted inside, concern making his eyes look much larger than any eyes should be. The American searched the kitchen and the living room, then through the halls to Heero's usual room. Upon finding nothing, he let his violet eyes drift over to the bathroom across the hall. Everything was silent.  
"Heero?" Duo called.  
There was no reply. Wufei stepped into Heero's room, then followed Duo's eyes to the bathroom.  
"Wufei, could you-"  
"Knock first," Wufei said quickly.  
Nodding, Duo moved to the door and knocked firmly three times. There was nothing. Next, he tested the door knob, and he found that it was locked. He looked to Wufei.  
"It's locked," he told him.  
Wufei gave a deep sigh. There was no way he was going to pay up the money in order to replace these doors.  
With a soft hiss, the Chinese boy lunged at the door and brought up his right leg. He struck out with it and slammed it into the door. It lurched open, the lock breaking as small splinters of wood clattered over the foor.  
Both of them gasped at the sight before them. 


	3. The Last Mission

As Heero lay there, half floating in the searing water, he thought about what his life meant to other people.  
To them he was a hero, the gundam pilot who had won the war and brought peace to the universe. In fact, he had not brought peace at all.. Without certain people, nothing but destruction would have ensued. Him and the other gundam pilots had been a team. They had all brought peace, together. Without them, he would have died just like everyone he himself had killed.  
To them, all of them, he was a killer. He murdered on sight when he knew a person was going to be a problem, or when the death of that person was included in his mission. When someone looked at him, they saw nothing. There was no emotion, no real feelings. What many mistook as a lack of emotion was really mind numbing agony, something that was impossible for him to express. Sometimes, when he was alone, he would see images of the lives he had taken. He would hear their bitter curses in his mind, would listen to their pleas just before he pulled the trigger.  
Heero rarely cried, though, and never once had he let anyone see. He held himself back from doing so, not because he thought it was weak, but because he didn't feel he should be able to let go of anything. To cry would be to release some of his internal torment. He couldn't allow himself such a privilege, even if he was human himself. Or so it seemed.  
Despite his hidden emotion, Heero couldn't think of himself as human. He couldn't think of himself as a man. When he thought of who he was, he received images of scrap metal and machine parts. He saw electrical wires and a thrumming engine. He thought of himself as a machine, now broken down and useless. Perhaps that is what Dr. J had wanted all along.  
To prevent Heero further pain after the war, he was unconsciously programmed to self destruct. The very idea of this made Heero grind his teeth in rage, and the hairs along the back of his neck rose.  
His life had been permanently ruined because of Dr. J. He had been tirelessly, relentlessly trained. As he was trained, so his emotions, one by one, were ultimately sacrificed.  
Done for the good of humanity, Dr. J had told him. Done because he was their last hope.  
A tear fell across Heero's cheek, and he removed the knife from his flesh. He watched the blood as it welled eagerly from his skin, leaping across it and spreading across his arm. It was alive as it pumped from his severed veins, and spilled down into the heated water he was immersed in.  
The door burst open, and, feeling a wave of nausea, Heero jerked his head up.  
Duo and Wufei stood in the doorway, their jaws slack, their eyes wide. Had it been a different situation, Heero might have smiled.  
"Heero?" Duo said quietly, his voice trembling.  
"I told you to leave me alone," said Heero,  
"Well, I can't now, buddy. Get out of that water, okay? Come here."  
Although Duo's voice was soothing, Heero wasn't tempted. He had given himself a mission, his last to his knowledge, and he must not fail it. He had never failed a mission in his life, save for one.  
Relena had brought emotion into his life. She had, whether she had meant to or not, given a piece of him back, given him a reason to keep fighting. Although he hated her, he would always be a tiny bit grateful for what she had offered.  
Something in his mind clicked. He had never finished that mission. He hadn't even come close. Blinking, Heero used his big toe to unplug the tub, and the water began to swirl down the drain.  
This is why I didn't use the gun, Heero thought. That is reserved for someone else.  
Duo and Wufei glanced at each other, and both of them moved forward.  
Clapping a strong hand to his wound, Heero rise from the tub, his body red and blistered, from the top of his neck, right down to his toes. Steam drifted from his skin, enveloping everything in a blanket of heat. Wufei quickly turned on the bathroom fan. Duo moved to Heero and handed him a hand towel. Understanding, Heero took it and wrapped it securely around his wrist to help stop the bleeding.  
Heero Yuy wasn't finished yet. He still had one last mission to take care of. 


	4. You're Dead

Relena was walking her dog, a small, annoying Pomeranian puppy with a yip that could take a deaf man's ear off. She skipped like a school girl down the sidewalk, ignoring all the cars going by as she chattered aimlessly at the noisy creature. She was just as noisy.  
"What do you think? Should I go with the hot pink dress with the sleek look, or should I just go with the soft pink with the frills on the shoulders? Either way I'm going to look very nice, don't you think?"  
The puppy yipped loudly, then turned up its little face to stare at her, its eyes wide and sickeningly adorable. Relena giggled softly.  
"All right, it's settled", she said. "The soft pink with the frills it is. Thank you!"  
Heero Yuy stepped smoothly from behind a stand of bushes. Relena gave a startled scream and froze, one hand flying to her mouth. Her heart stopped for a beat before thundering on.  
"Heero."  
"Relena," Heero replied flatly.  
She recovered quickly and flashed him a cheerful smile. "What are you doing here? I'm just going for a walk with my dog. Would you like to come home with me, and we can catch up?"  
Yuy's eyes lowered, darkness smouldering within them as a small smile crossed his lips. Relena was too excited to notice the malice in the expression, too happy to see him again to spot the murderous shine in the deep blue of his eyes.  
"I would love to," was his reply.  
  
"Fei?"  
"What?" Wufei snapped. He was tired of Duo's senseless nicknames.  
"Do you really think Heero's gonna go kill Relena? I mean, every other time he's said he'll do it, he hasn't. He just ends up saving her life."  
"You saved her life once, too."  
Duo opened his mouth to deny it, then snapped it shut and glared at Wufei. "Don't you ever get tired of bringing that up?"  
"No."  
"You are so not fun to be around. I'm going to go find Heero."  
Wufei growled. "No, Maxwell, you are not going to find Yuy, he's busy. He's on a mission."  
The American rolled his eyes. "The war is over, Wuffie, duh! OVER. No more! There is no need to kill Relena, and I can't believe I just said that!!! Wanna play a game?"  
Wufei sighed heavily, then stood up and headed for the door. "I expect those dishes to be clean by the time I get back, Maxwell. I mean it."  
Duo stared as Wufei left, then looked around. A small snicker drifted from his lips, and he went to the fridge. When he opened it, all he saw was water, some bread, a bit of cheese, and one grape. He pouted big time and closed the fridge before hunting about for a television. He found one, but the glass was smashed. Okay, how about a radio. He found one, but the wiring was shorted out.  
"I had better be able to fix this, or I'll feel sorry for Wuffie when he gets back."  
Duo found a screwdriver, as well as a hammer. He sighed and opened up the radio with the screwdriver. He had a bit of difficulty, as the screw heads were a little worn out. When he saw the inside of the radio, he nearly screamed out loud in frustration. There was nothing inside. Literally, there was nothing. No wires, no screws, nothing.  
Letting out a heavy snort, Duo closed up the radio, then dumped it into the garbage can, his eyes narrowed and glaring.  
"What did Yuy DO around here, anyway? I mean, there is nothing here. Nothing at all. This is so unfair not even I'm laughing about it, damnit!"  
Duo went back into the kitchen,, having decided to do a double take on the contents in the fridge. Yup, same as before. Growling under his breath, the American slammed the door closed before going into Heero's room. His laptop was there, but he knew he wasn't supposed to touch it.  
Grinning, Duo moved to the bed and picked up the laptop, giggling madly. This was going to be so much fun! He turned it on, and when it asked for a password, he blinked, then tried one. It didn't work. Muttering, Duo tried another one. Again, no luck.  
"What is it, what is it," Duo spoke to himself. "I know more about this guy than anyone else does, come on. I gotta know this!"  
He typed in the word 'forgotten'. Duo's eyes widened slightly when he was allowed access, and he swallowed heavily.  
"Forgotten," he said softly. "Is that what that bastard thinks?"  
He checked Heero's email, and his eyes went even wider. Since he had sent that email, no one else had sent Heero anything. There was nothing.  
No wonder he didn't want to come with us for dinner, the braided pilot thought miserably. He probably thought he would have been forgotten, just like all those other times. Geez, now I feel bad. I'm so sorry, Heero. So sorry.  
  
At Relena's home, Heero sipped at some tea. The little dog was yipping at him, and he used his shoe to push it away. He finally resorted to glaring at it. The dog whimpered, then turned and bounded off. Relena was staring at him with a dreamy look in her eyes from across the table. Heero thought he could see drool in the corner of her mouth.  
"So, Heero," she said softly. It sounded like she was talking to a god. "What have you been up to?"  
He arched a dark eyebrow as he stared at her from across the table. "Hn."  
"What does that mean?"  
"It means that you're dead." 


End file.
